Avoid having dialogue no matter what.  Do not listen to what another individual is saying.  Instead, be thinking about what you want to say next, and if possible, talk over or interrupt before the person can finish expressing their idea.  If you do happen to listen by mistake, do not attempt to understand what is being said or to offer any feedback or validation. 

Sound crazy?  It is.  But we’ve all been in those meetings where it seems that nobody is listening.  I’m not suggesting that people are necessarily uncaring or rude; it’s just that many of us haven’t been taught how to communicate very well.  And even if someone does listen to what we’re saying, how can we be certain they’ve understood? 

Consider the average face to face communication.  We’re all pretty able to say what’s on our mind.  It’s what happens after, that will either allow us to create a meaningful dialogue, or simply spout statements back and forth to each other.  One key in this exchange is feedback in the form of validation.

Psychologists often teach the concept of creating a “dialogue” between two parties in order to enhance communication.  Merriam-Webster defines dialogue as: a conversation between two or more persons; an exchange of ideas and opinions; or a discussion between representatives of parties to a conflict that is aimed at resolution.

Basically, creating a dialogue involves three steps.

Step 1 - Mirror

  • Party 1 makes a statement.
  • Party 2 mirrors that statement – “What I heard you say was…”
  • Party 1 acknowledges that Party 2 has heard correctly.

Step 2 –Validate

  • Party 2 offers feedback in the form of validation – “I can understand what you’re saying, that makes sense to me.” or “I don’t understand what you’re saying, help me understand.”
  • If Party 2 does not understand, Party 1 restates their point for clarification.
  • Party 2 should mirror and validate again until Party 1’s statement is understood.

Step 3 - Empathize

  • Once Party 2 validates and understands Party 1’s statement, Party 2 should empathize with Party 1, “That must make you feel…” selecting a few feelings that might be appropriate.

This process of having a dialogue with another person does a few really important things.  First, it forces us to listen to each other.  I know you’re listening because you’re offering your feedback when you validate my statement.  Further, when you empathize, you are forced to put yourself in my shoes, imagining how I must feel.

In everyday business, this may not be practical, in total.  If the party you’re trying to communicate with is unwilling or unable to have a dialogue, it’s not going to happen.  Often however, even if you’re the only one consciously apply the principles of dialogue, you can greatly enhance the communication process (even teach the other person to be a better communicator without them realizing its happening).

If you demonstrate that you are listening (mirror), that you understand what the other party is saying by offering feedback (validate), and that you can imagine how that might make them feel (empathize), it’s amazing how you can enrich day to day communications.